Why do women kill themselves? A question raised very frequently in the U.S. How could a woman—who is usually portrayed as delicate, sensitive, and altruistic—kill herself and others? Through my work in Iraq as an Attorney, a Professor, and a Women’s Rights Activist, I met many unmarried women whether they were single, divorced, or widowed.
I can’t help to notice how vulnerable they are! They don’t enjoy a voice in their families and the society treats them as if they have done something wrong. When I was working as an Attorney, a senior Iraqi citizen came to my office. He was the father of one of my clients. He wanted me to convince my client to drop her divorce case. The father was deeply concerned about his daughter’s future. He said: “she is angry now.
However, she does not know what she is getting herself and her kids into. Who will marry her, who will take care of the kids? No-one! She will face the social stigma of a divorced woman. I am an old man, I don’t earn much, and I will not be there for her to protect her and her kids forever. I know her marriage is not successful, but many marriages are not!”
The next day, my client showed up to drop the case. As an Attorney, I knew my client could win her case. However, my intention was to help her and help her kids.
I called for a meeting between her and her husband in the presence of senior members from both of their families. During the meeting, I reached an agreement among senior members of both families that the husband would not hit his wife. Senior members of families influence change and their promises are considered obligatory.
In the Middle East, (and Iraq is no exception), single women aging 20 years and above, divorced, and widowed women are viewed as a huge burden on their parents or extended families since they have to live with them [1].
The responsibility of any woman in the Middle East is to get married and stay married for the rest of her life. The society does not tolerate a single woman, nor one who has divorced, nor even been widowed. [2] These women are forced to live with their fathers or married brothers. The father or brother is responsible for supporting the woman as well as her kids both financially and morally. This can lead to many restrictions placed on unmarried women’s lives. For example, the woman cannot leave the house without permission from the father or the brother. Her movement is restricted and limited to necessities.
Women are not welcome to come back and live in the same house that she grew up in or with the brother whom she nursed one day. [3] A single woman often gets treated like a second-class citizen since she has brought shame on her family by failing to become or remain married.
The situation of women in the Middle East is similar to the situation of some elderly citizens in the US. They both have greater tendencies to commit suicide because they are considered a burden on their families and believe they have nothing left to live for. However, female suicide bomb attackers seek an additional objective: recognition.
As women who are treated as second-class citizens, deprived of all resources, humiliated every second of the day, and lacking a voice, they seek the exact opposite. These women want to be recognized as heroes and first-class citizens, and they want to bring honor rather than shame to their families. They have every motive to do it.
Do you know Wafa Ideris? Perhaps you do. You may know that she was the first suicide bomb attacker. But, do you know anything about her life? She was married to her cousin (cousins can marry each other in the Middle East, in fact it is welcomed). However, her husband divorced her.
After seven years of marriage he did so because she could not give him children. Wafa worked at the Red Cross, thus she received a relatively good salary and she was not a financial burden on her married brother, which where she lived after her divorce. Yet, she sought recognition. She wanted to bring honor to her family and erase the stigma of being a divorced woman.
Moreover, what was left for her? There was nothing and no-one. She could not marry again, since she was divorced by her cousin her own flesh and blood and she could not give her ex-husband children. After the bombing however, many Arab leaders considered her a hero and offered to name a street after her. She had a funeral many men will not receive. She is not Wafa the divorced woman anymore. She is revered as a hero in her town village and in the Arab world in general. Recognition!
I hear you asking, aren’t these women afraid of death in such a painful way? They weigh things. They see two options: a painful life that is full of ongoing humiliation or an honorable death. The choice depends on how much pain and humiliation these women can take.
Now, I have a question for you. Do you still think that increasing security is about the mere use of force and technology?
[1] A client of mine wanted to sue her brother, because he used to hit her every day as a punishment for being divorced. She told me that she thought if she were dead, it would have been better for her.
Another client of mine was beaten in front of her teenagers and kicked out of her house by her drunk husband. Her brother, the only relative she has, refused to let her stay the night. The brother was afraid she might stay longer or worse stay and ask for a divorce. She slept on her front door mat. In the morning her son let her in. She later told me that she thought of killing herself, her husband, and brother.
[2] Widows are expected to stay widows - remarrying is not an option for women. However, it is an option for men.
[3] One of my friends had a divorced sister. She remarried, which is something rare in the Middle East. However, the father of the bride refused to have any ceremony because this was the second marriage. A woman should marry once and stay married no matter what.
As an attorney representing women, one of my clients was beaten, kicked out of her house, and forced to sleep in front of her doorstep because her brother would not allow her for one day in his house. She did not continue her divorce case because she has no place to go during and after the divorce.
I guess I would wonder how then the U.S. would address the concept of female suicide bombers. It seems there motivations are largely for cultural and personal reasons, which means it would be unlikely that there would be some way for the U.S. to deter them without significantly altering Iraqi Culture. . . which is problematic for other reasons.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment and your interest in my stories. The U.S. needs an innovative approach to address the phenomena of female suicide bomb attacker. The approach does not involve changing the culture. However, the approach is to combat these practices from within the culture itself. For example, finding a piece of the culture that condemns committing suicide and killing innocent people is a good approach. Please check the website of Women and the Environment Organization. www.wateo.org
ReplyDeleteI hope you will continue reading my stories.
Dear Dr. Mishkat al-Moumin
ReplyDeletei am Palestinian, and I am single, I am almost 30 years old, i had the chance to live a broad, and get my PhD in water and Environment, i came back to Palestine a year ago, and i never felt i am a second citizen because i am not married or single!!! i never hated my life or wished to be killed. as matter of fact I love life and wanna get the most fun I can get out of it, as well as i do not live with my parents any more, and there is many other single women did leave their parents house and they live a lone.
i do agree with you that our society (Middle East) is not that easy on women, and I myself wish to change a lot of thins, i wish people can be more open hearted and minded, yet i do think and do believe that come from women first, they need to agree that enough is enough and to start new revolution, being silent and doing nothing might hurt them more. Still, suicide bumming is come from more loosing hope for both genders, not just women or men. i think it is more revenge and not accepting hard life no more. Hopping for false mysterious happiness or hope might this person might get through suicide bumming.
Please tell me what do you think???????????
Dear Wafa,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind comment. I really appreciate sharing your story with me and with the readers.
Story #7 does not mean that all single women, divorced, or widowed will kill themselves.
My clients were coming from rural areas and living in a closed society. Some of them were coming from poor areas where their families cannot take care of another person. Thus, the family member who fails to take care of herself will bear the consequences. Most of my clients felt they were second citizens, because of the way their families treated them. Many female suicide bomb attackers are coming from rural areas.
The story implies that social issues can add pressure and create a major security threat. This threat cannot be addressed by the mere use of force, but rather through the meaningful involvement of the people in the security plan. Moreover, the security plan should be sensitive towards social, economic, and environmental issues, because failing to address these issues will create a major security problem.
Vulnerable people are easy to recruit, and people can be vulnerable for all sorts of reasons. For example, people can be vulnerable, because of their social status, marital status, financial status, or any other reason.
It is true, that there is a recruiter who convince those people to commit suicide. However, the recruiter targets the most vulnerable people. It can be women, children, poor, people with disabilities, or uneducated people.
The question is how to address it from a security prospective? What type of a security plan is needed? Does security mean the mere use of force in this scenario, and what are the alternatives?
What I am hoping to do is to conduct a research examining these cases to provide an answer to this question and suggest recommendations to address it.
Did I tell you that I am a divorced woman? Well, I divorced my ex-husband long ago, I lived most of my life in Iraq and other Arab countries, and I am a life-loving person too. It seems we have something in common.
I hope you will continue reading my stories and commenting on them
Dear Wafa,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your support! I founded Women and the Environment Organization WATEO to empower rural women. WATEO covered 18 villages in rural areas of the Iraqi Marshlands and trained more than 800 women. Perhaps, I can implement projects at Palestine and I will get to meet you.